Investing in myself...

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As I sit here hovering my cursor over the 'new post' button for the first time in three months I am hit with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety of where to begin. It would be foolish of me to start this post the same as I have on so many other occasions throughout 2015; exuding a sense of determination and commitment to keep my blog alive, when looking back I knew it was almost impossible that I was ever going to do so. I am a firm believer in being open and honest, maybe more-so than most, which can sometimes be perceived as emphasising on your weaknesses. However  from learning of others, not necessarily just bloggers, who have had similar experiences I find myself breathing a huge sigh of relief knowing I'm not the only one. Since the age of fifteen I have suffered with a mixed anxiety-depressive disorder. I'm not looking for any sympathy by writing this nor do I believe that I have a extreme form of the disorder either. Up until last year I would say for three years prior I had coped extremely well. I was fortunate enough to have my blog to use as a platform where I could exercise my mind and focus all my attention. This has helped me massively over the last few years.

In my post today is a new day from August last year, at that time I do genuinely believe that I had every intention of shaking off how I was feeling and getting back to the norm. Which I did actually manage to do for a couple of months. What was my problem though? I chose to moan. I moaned about everything. How I hated that my days consisted of just working full-time. That I'd stopped blogging. How I was getting fatter and fatter. All whilst getting straight into my pyjamas as soon as I finished my shift, got into bed and turned on the TV and I ate a take-away. You see the hypcorisy? And to an outsider that is probably how it looked, that I just loved to complain. But it wasn't until after Christmas when I started to realise I was struggling to even look myself in the mirror that I realised that it all had to stop. As I was scrolling through my social channels I read the quote "Push yourself because, no one else is going to do it for you" and I felt a lightbulb go off. I am control of my happiness, my life. Nothing else. Not a disorder, not my job, not my weight. Me. In that moment I made the decision to a 100% step back from my blog as I realised I would never be able to create the best content for my readers if I didn't focus on myself first.

The first step was investing my time into nurturing my mind and body. One of the ways I thought would be beneficial to this was by joining Slimming World and seven weeks later, I've lost six pounds and I'm ten away from my target weight. It's probably going to take another three to four months before I see that number on the scale but that's okay. Another was reading Sarah Knight's 'The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k'. This book has totally revolutionised my whole thought process. I cannot recommend it enough for those who find themselves putting everything before themselves. Seriously. Buy it! Finally, I am in the process of organising my room. Four bin liners of clothes to charity, three for the trash and an ever-expanding online shop on Depop (check it here) later, it feels good to have alleviate some space. Making way for a work desk. It is still a work in progress and allowing me to explore my creative side. After a year of saying I will, I am now actually doing something about it.

There is no real purpose behind my post today, I thought it would be nice for to check in with you all and let you know what was going on. I am still my usual self on all my social channels and would never let all of what I've spoken above over-shadow what you see on my channels most of the time. My confidence is coming back daily; I'm back to taking the occasional selfie on my Snapchat (CharissaRae17) which is a milestone within itself. I have chosen to celebrate every tiny victory, taking it all one week at a time. It can be quite daunting if you choose to dwell over the bigger picture. What's next? Continue what I'm doing and eventually start an online marketing course within the next two months. If blogging doesn't come into it just yet, it's okay. If it does? Even better. I am not putting any extra pressure on myself when at this moment in time I am doing really well. I appreciate you all for waiting and still following me, I cannot express how grateful I am however if you've chosen to unfollow I understand too.